1)A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted in hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "Follow me." and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"
2)Baby Ryan was a nearly Two Year old Boy. He has been to train to inform his mom whenever he want to pee.
So one day he take the plactic container which he use to pee and run to his mom.Immediately mummy know what's going on and take off his shorts, aim into the container.
He gave his mom a cold hard stare and the thing come out..... from the BACK....
3)This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!
4)John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al. Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise.
John told Al, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left.
The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked,"How are things?"
To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up. Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die? It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up.
The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?""Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
5)The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot."Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
6)Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking.
Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck.
The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way.
Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "Asses 4 Sale."So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An ass is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly."
The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire.A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help.
The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied,
"Yes, I need help.Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass???"
7)First-year students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you are not disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them calmly and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention...."
8)An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take precautions.A week after arriving back home in the States, he awakes one morning to find his dick, covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately go to see his doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in a two days, for the results.
The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you.You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here.We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up," doc.The doctor answers "I'm sorry,there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."
The man screams in horror, "Oh no!"
The doctors replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."
The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.The Chinese doctor examines his dick, and proclaims "Ah yes, Monlolian VD. Velly lare lisease. "The guys says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!".
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid Amellican loctor!Always want to opulate. Make more money, that way. lo leed to to opulate!""Oh thank God!" the man replies."Yes" says the Chinese doctor, "You lo worry! Wait two weeky. Dick fall off by itself!"
9)Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. "
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke."Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
10)A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent.
"Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "What's on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies.
"Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go 'roof'."
"No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog, "What does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending stare. He is losing his patience.
"No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you." He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" barks the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street.
The dog then turns to the guy and says, "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
11)An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"
The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."
12)A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Harry, what's your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!" Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade." Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask himsome questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks,
"What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Bubble gum"
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last even questions wrong......
13)Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
P.S.Don't read these while you have your lunch. If you did, go to the toilet immediately or you'll have to buy a new PC.
