Intelligent(?) quotes
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word ’genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Monday, November 22, 2010
A true story...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
News Blunders
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.
"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news
"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.
"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news
"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
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