Quickies ...
EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

How do you make a cat drink?
Throw it in the blender and remove the furry parts.

What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
Your last blow job ... ever!

The surest way to remain a winner is to win once, and then not play any more.

Q. What do you call a nun with a sex change?
A. A tran-sister.

The Geography of a Man:
Between 15 and 99 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a prick

Warning label on a drum of industrial-strength detergent: "If you cannot read English, do not use this product until label has been explained to you."

Husband: "How about a little action tonight, honey?"
Wife: "Over my dead body!"
Husband: "How else?"

When push comes to shove... somebody´s gonna figure out that "push" and "shove" mean the same damn thing.

"The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree."

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a person to use the Net and he won´t bother you for weeks.

Classy things to say when stressed ...
- "Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!"

- "How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"

- "This day sure was a total waste of make-up"

- "This isn’t an office. It’s HELL with fluorescent lighting"

- "I started out with nothing still have most of it left"

- "I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"

- "Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"

- "Do they ever shut up on your planet?"

- "I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable"

- "Don’t worry. I forgot your name too."

- "Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."

- "Wait...I’m trying to imagine you with a personality"

- "Ambivalent? Well yes and no."

- "A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth."

- "If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

Intelligent(?) quotes
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

" It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word ’genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

A true story...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.

As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

News Blunders
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.

"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.

"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper

"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.

"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1

"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.

"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.

"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news

"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000

"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.

"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000

"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.

How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?

1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.

Question and answer animal jokes

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.

Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Court Cases ...
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:

Judge: I know you, don’t I?

Defendant: Uh, yes.

Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?

Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

---
From a defendant representing himself...

Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?

Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.

Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?

Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.

Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.

---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.

Judge: And why is that?

Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.

Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?

Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.

"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.

Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.

And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."

Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."

Hospital Charts
Actual writings on hospital charts:

- she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

- The patient refused autopsy.

- The patient has no previous history of suicides.

- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

- She is numb from her toes down.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- Patient was alert and unresponsive.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

- Skin: somewhat pale but present.

- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.