Court Cases ...
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
---
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Hospital Charts
Actual writings on hospital charts:
- she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Actual writings on hospital charts:
- she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Funny Movie Facts
Some things you would never know without the movies:
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Funny Movie Facts
Some things you would never know without the movies:
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
Email & chat room survival kit
AOL - Assholes On Line
ASAP - As Soon As Possible
ASAFP - As Soon As Friggin Possible
AWGTHTGTTA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
AWGTHTGTTSA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again
BFD - Big Fucking Deal
BMD - Buy Me Dildo
BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BT - Byte This!
BTWBO - Be There With Bells On
CMF - Count My Fingers!
CTC - Choking The Chicken
DBEYR - Don’t Believe Everything You Read
DHYB - Don’t Hold Your Breath
DILLIGAD - Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
DQYDJ - Don’t Quit You’re Day Job
DYSTSOTT - Did You See The Size Of That Thing
FTASB - Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
FUBB - Fucked Up Beyond Belief
FYI - For Your Information
FYM - For Your Misinformation
GR&D - Grinning Running & Ducking
HAK - Hugs And Kisses
HUYA - Head Up Your A$$
HHOK - Ha Ha, Only Kidding
HHO1/2K - Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
HIOOC - Help! I’m Out Of Coffee!
IANAC - I Am Not A Crook
IFABCTE - I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator
IITYWTMWYKM - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me
IITYWTMWYBMAD - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
IITYWTMWYLMA - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone
IIWM - If It Were Me
ILSHIBAMF - I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
ILSHIBMS - I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion
KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid
LDTTWA - Let’s Do The Time Warp Again
LOL - Laughing Out Loud
LSHHTCMS - Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
LTIP - Laughing Till I Puke
MTFBWY - May The Force Be With You
NBFD - No Big Fucking Deal
NFW - No Fucking Way
OMIK - Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
ONNA - Oh No, Not Again
ONNTA - Oh No Not This Again
OTOH - On The Other Hand
OTOOH - On The Other Other Hand
OTSH - On The Same Hand
PITA - Pain In The A$$
PMF - Pull My Finger
RTFM - Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)
SH - Shit Happens
SH2M - Shit Happens To Me
SOI - Sit On It
SOL - Shit Outta Luck
TAFL - Take A Flying Leap
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
TFASB - Time For A Sex Break
TIC - Tongue In Cheek
TISEC - Tongue In Someone Else’s Cheek
TLA - Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
TM - Trust Me
TSR - Totally Stuck in RAM
TTT - That’s The Ticket
TWHAB - This Won’t Hurt A Bit
VI - Village Idiot
WDIPME - Where Did I Put My Excedrin
WGAFS - Who Gives A Flying Squat W
THDTIM - What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
WTSDS - Where The Sun Don’t Shine
WWW - World Wide Wait
WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get
WYSIUWYW - What You See Isn’t Usually What You Want
YGBFK - You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin’
AOL - Assholes On Line
ASAP - As Soon As Possible
ASAFP - As Soon As Friggin Possible
AWGTHTGTTA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
AWGTHTGTTSA - Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Shit Again
BFD - Big Fucking Deal
BMD - Buy Me Dildo
BTSOOM - Beats The Shit Out Of Me
BT - Byte This!
BTWBO - Be There With Bells On
CMF - Count My Fingers!
CTC - Choking The Chicken
DBEYR - Don’t Believe Everything You Read
DHYB - Don’t Hold Your Breath
DILLIGAD - Do I Look Like I Give A Damn
DQYDJ - Don’t Quit You’re Day Job
DYSTSOTT - Did You See The Size Of That Thing
FTASB - Faster Than A Speeding Bullet
FUBAR - Fucked Up Beyond All Repair
FUBB - Fucked Up Beyond Belief
FYI - For Your Information
FYM - For Your Misinformation
GR&D - Grinning Running & Ducking
HAK - Hugs And Kisses
HUYA - Head Up Your A$$
HHOK - Ha Ha, Only Kidding
HHO1/2K - Ha Ha, Only Half Kidding
HIOOC - Help! I’m Out Of Coffee!
IANAC - I Am Not A Crook
IFABCTE - I Found A Bug, Call The Exterminator
IITYWTMWYKM - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Kiss Me
IITYWTMWYBMAD - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Buy Me A Drink
IITYWTMWYLMA - If I Tell You What This Means Will You Leave Me Alone
IIWM - If It Were Me
ILSHIBAMF - I Laughed So Hard I Broke All My Furniture
ILSHIBMS - I Laughed So Hard I Broke My Stitches
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMNSHO - In My Not So Humble Opinion
KISS - Keep It Simple Stupid
LDTTWA - Let’s Do The Time Warp Again
LOL - Laughing Out Loud
LSHHTCMS - Laughed So Hard, Had To Change My Shorts
LTIP - Laughing Till I Puke
MTFBWY - May The Force Be With You
NBFD - No Big Fucking Deal
NFW - No Fucking Way
OMIK - Open Mouth, Insert Keyboard
ONNA - Oh No, Not Again
ONNTA - Oh No Not This Again
OTOH - On The Other Hand
OTOOH - On The Other Other Hand
OTSH - On The Same Hand
PITA - Pain In The A$$
PMF - Pull My Finger
RTFM - Read The Fucking Manual (or Message)
SH - Shit Happens
SH2M - Shit Happens To Me
SOI - Sit On It
SOL - Shit Outta Luck
TAFL - Take A Flying Leap
TDTM - Talk Dirty To Me
TFASB - Time For A Sex Break
TIC - Tongue In Cheek
TISEC - Tongue In Someone Else’s Cheek
TLA - Three Letter Acronym (such as this)
TM - Trust Me
TSR - Totally Stuck in RAM
TTT - That’s The Ticket
TWHAB - This Won’t Hurt A Bit
VI - Village Idiot
WDIPME - Where Did I Put My Excedrin
WGAFS - Who Gives A Flying Squat W
THDTIM - What The Hell Do These Initials Mean
WTSDS - Where The Sun Don’t Shine
WWW - World Wide Wait
WYSIWYG - What You See Is What You Get
WYSIUWYW - What You See Isn’t Usually What You Want
YGBFK - You Gotta Be Fucking Kiddin’
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Poetry
These are couplets taken from the Rhyme Zone where there’s this competition for writing the most romantic first line and most unromantic second - here are a few of the entries:
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize.
Would be a bullet between my eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you’re not.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it’s true, I’d prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell."
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
After you, my love, my only prize.
Would be a bullet between my eyes.
Of loving beauty you float with grace.
If only you could hide your face.
I thought that I could love no other.
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
This describes everything you’re not.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face.
I wish I were in outer space.
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it’s true, I’d prefer you inside out.
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
My love you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in, to smell this way.
My feelings for you no words can tell.
Except for maybe "go to hell."
Thursday, October 28, 2010
The poetic word
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!
I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I’m fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don’t understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn’t be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn’t fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let’s get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He’s a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It’s five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."
It can be political -- "Fuck Bush!"
(No offence intended. Copyrighted material ©Chuck Norris 2012 All rights reserved)
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck!
I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck."
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise -- "What the fuck are you doing here?"
2) Fraud -- "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3) Resignation -- "Oh, fuck it!"
4) Trouble -- "I guess I’m fucked now."
5) Aggression -- "FUCK YOU!"
6) Disgust -- "Fuck me."
7) Confusion -- "What the fuck...?"
8) Difficulty -- "I don’t understand this fucking business!"
9) Despair -- "Fucked again...."
10) Pleasure -- "I fucking couldn’t be happier."
11) Displeasure -- "What the fuck is going on here?"
12) Lost -- "Where the fuck are we?"
13) Disbelief -- "UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!"
14) Retaliation -- "Up your fucking ass!"
15) Denial -- "I didn’t fucking do it."
16) Perplexity -- "I know fuck-all about it."
17) Apathy -- "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18) Greetings -- "How the fuck are ya?"
19) Suspicion -- "Who the fuck are you?"
20) Panic -- "Let’s get the fuck out of here."
21) Directions -- "Fuck off."
22) Awe -- "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description -- "He’s a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time -- "It’s five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business -- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal --"Motherfucker."
It can be political -- "Fuck Bush!"
(No offence intended. Copyrighted material ©Chuck Norris 2012 All rights reserved)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Jokes
There are 3 brothers, trouble, manner and shut up. One day, they were playing hide-and-seek when they realised trouble is missing. They went to make a police report but manner has a stomachache and went to the toilet. Shut up was telling the policeman about his missing brother.
P: What ur name?
S: Shut up.
P: Where's you manner?!
S: In the toilet.
P: Hmm...you must be looking for trouble right?!
S: Yea yea yea...how did you know?
------------------------------------------------
一天,Derrick 正在看VCD,老妈捧了一本书进来…
老妈: 这个'I don't know'是什么意思?
D: 我不知道…
老妈: 送你上大学读了几年,你怎么什么都不知道?!
D: 不是!就是'我不知道'嘛～
老妈: 还嘴硬!说完老妈给了我一巴掌
老妈：: 那 'I know' 是什么意思你应该知道吧?!
D: 是'我知道'
老妈: 知道还不说?
D: 就是'我知道'呀!
老妈: 知道你还不说!?不懂不要装懂!
老妈又给了我一巴掌...再问你一个…
老妈: 'I know but I don't want to tell you'是什么意思?
D: 呜呜呜…妈…你打我吧…
------------------------------------------------
Google Interview:
Inspector: Where did you get the news of the interview?
Interviewee: Yahoo.
Inspector: Fail, next.
Interviewee: ...-.-
------------------------------------------------
两个酒鬼在酒吧喝酒。
酒鬼甲：你是哪里人啊？
酒鬼乙：我出生在荷兰，目前住在德国。
酒鬼甲：不是说笑吧！！我也生在荷兰，目前也住德国啊！来来来,咱们来干一杯！你生在荷兰什么地方？
酒鬼乙：我生在阿姆斯特丹，我妈房子里。门前有一条小河从南方流过。
酒鬼甲：我的天啊！不可思议那！我也生在我妈阿姆斯特丹的家里，也靠近小河那里。啊~为了咱们的亲近，来，再来一杯！！那你以前上什么学校啊？
酒鬼乙：圣母受难学校。
酒鬼甲兴奋的不得了：这世界真是太小了！我也读那间学校啊！！小伙子，再端来每人一杯！！！ 今天不醉不归！！！ 哈哈！！！
这时，酒吧电话响起。酒吧打工小伙子接了电话：喂，这里是某某酒吧......................哦，报告老板，今晚没什么特别的事，只是欧迪家那对双胞胎兄弟又喝醉了..........
-----------------------------------------------
阿明有一次到一个初中小孩补习，在其语文课本上发现如下恐怖的字眼：
爸死（bus）
妈死 （mask）
爷死（yes）
奶死 （nice）
哥死（girls）
姐死 （jazz）
弟死 （disc）
妹死（miss）
我死（wash）
死完（swan）
……
-----------------------------------------------
P: What ur name?
S: Shut up.
P: Where's you manner?!
S: In the toilet.
P: Hmm...you must be looking for trouble right?!
S: Yea yea yea...how did you know?
------------------------------------------------
一天,Derrick 正在看VCD,老妈捧了一本书进来…
老妈: 这个'I don't know'是什么意思?
D: 我不知道…
老妈: 送你上大学读了几年,你怎么什么都不知道?!
D: 不是!就是'我不知道'嘛～
老妈: 还嘴硬!说完老妈给了我一巴掌
老妈：: 那 'I know' 是什么意思你应该知道吧?!
D: 是'我知道'
老妈: 知道还不说?
D: 就是'我知道'呀!
老妈: 知道你还不说!?不懂不要装懂!
老妈又给了我一巴掌...再问你一个…
老妈: 'I know but I don't want to tell you'是什么意思?
D: 呜呜呜…妈…你打我吧…
------------------------------------------------
Google Interview:
Inspector: Where did you get the news of the interview?
Interviewee: Yahoo.
Inspector: Fail, next.
Interviewee: ...-.-
------------------------------------------------
两个酒鬼在酒吧喝酒。
酒鬼甲：你是哪里人啊？
酒鬼乙：我出生在荷兰，目前住在德国。
酒鬼甲：不是说笑吧！！我也生在荷兰，目前也住德国啊！来来来,咱们来干一杯！你生在荷兰什么地方？
酒鬼乙：我生在阿姆斯特丹，我妈房子里。门前有一条小河从南方流过。
酒鬼甲：我的天啊！不可思议那！我也生在我妈阿姆斯特丹的家里，也靠近小河那里。啊~为了咱们的亲近，来，再来一杯！！那你以前上什么学校啊？
酒鬼乙：圣母受难学校。
酒鬼甲兴奋的不得了：这世界真是太小了！我也读那间学校啊！！小伙子，再端来每人一杯！！！ 今天不醉不归！！！ 哈哈！！！
这时，酒吧电话响起。酒吧打工小伙子接了电话：喂，这里是某某酒吧......................哦，报告老板，今晚没什么特别的事，只是欧迪家那对双胞胎兄弟又喝醉了..........
-----------------------------------------------
阿明有一次到一个初中小孩补习，在其语文课本上发现如下恐怖的字眼：
爸死（bus）
妈死 （mask）
爷死（yes）
奶死 （nice）
哥死（girls）
姐死 （jazz）
弟死 （disc）
妹死（miss）
我死（wash）
死完（swan）
……
-----------------------------------------------
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Harry Potter quotes
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Dudley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?
Harry: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once --
1st Weasley Twin: Or twice --
2nd Weasley Twin: A minute --
1st Weasley Twin: All summer --
Percy: Oh, shut up!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it)
Dumbledore: ...Hmm, alas, earwax.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
(in the Devil's Snare)
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry: So light a fire!
Hermione: Yes... of course... but there's no wood!
Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: "A Study of Hogwarts' Prefects and Their Later Careers." That sounds fascinating.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Fred: Oh get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry.
George: Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, he had to get one that hits back.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Draco: Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?
Harry: Yeah, reckon so
Draco: Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute-in case you get too near a Dementor. (Crabbe and Goyle sniggered)
Harry: Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron: Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross… (consulting "Unfogging the Future") That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' -- sorry about that -- but there's a thing that could be a sun… hang on… that means 'great happiness'… so you're going to suffer but be very happy…
Harry: You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Lupin: Now repeat after me -- without wands please -- repeat after me, Riddikulus.
Class: Riddikulus!
Professor Lupin: And again!
Class: Riddikulus!
Malfoy: This class is ridiculous.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hermione: Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, you know.
Ron: Yeah, along with the dungbeetle.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: The study of Divination will give you the rare gift of SIGHT! (stands up, and promptly bumps into her table)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
Ron (whispering to Harry): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron to Pettigrew (with revulsion): I let you sleep in my bed!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Fred Weasley: Anyone can speak Troll, All you have to do is point and grunt.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Don't talk to me.
Hermione: Why not?
Ron: Because I want to fix that in my memory forever…
Ron (his eyes closed): Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Percy: I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.
Fred: Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?
Percy: That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway! It was nothing personal!
Fred (whispering to Harry): It was. We sent it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Hermione: You seem to be drowning twice.
Ron: Oh, am I? I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Poor old Snuffles. He must really like you, Harry… Imagine having to live off rats.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Luna Lovegood: No, I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up... It always does in the end.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Albus Dumbledore: Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Peeves: We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter's the one, And Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Fred: He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Enid Smeek : She's nutty as squirrel poo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Auntie Muriel : You there, give me a chair, I'm a hundred and seven!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hermione: (after Hagrid gives Ron Scabbers back) I think you owe someone an apology.
Ron: Right. Next time I see Crookshanks, I'll let him know.
"I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones... the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur."
"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me."
"Brilliant! It's Potions last thing on Friday! Snape won't have the time to poison us all!"
"Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?"
"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.
"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
"How long have you been 'Big D' then?" said Harry.
"Shut it," snarled Dudley, turning away again.
"Cool name," said Harry, grinning, "but you'll always be Ickle Diddykins to me."
"Shut your face."
"You don't tell her [Aunt Petunia] to shut her face. What about 'popkin' and 'Dinky Diddydums,' can I use them then?"
"Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes -- yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
"Cut it out," he said firmly, rubbing the scar as the pain receded again. "First sign of madness, talking to your own head," said a sly voice from the empty picture on the wall.
"You know your mother, Malfoy? The expression on her face - like she's got dung under her nose? Is she like that all the time or just because you were with her?"
"She's Ron's sister.
But she's ditched Dean!
She's still Ron's sister.
I'm his best mate!
That'll make it worse.
If I talked to him first-
He'd hit you.
What if I don't care?
He's your best mate!"
"SHE KILLED SIRIUS! SHE KILLED HIM -- I'LL KILL HER!"
"They don't know know we're not allowed to use magic at home. I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer..."
Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
"So-after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating-"
"Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.
"I mean, after that open and revolting foul-"
"Jordan, I'm warning you-"
"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."
"Sir — Professor Dumbledore? Can I ask you something?"
"Obviously, you’ve just done so," Dumbledore smiled. "You may ask me one more thing, however."
"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
"I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks."
Harry stared.
"One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."
"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."
"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."
"Enjoying it?" said Ron darkly. "I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me...They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
Ron: "Who're you going with then?"
Fred: "Angelina."
Ron: "What? You've already asked her?"
Fred: "Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?"
Hermione: "Harry, I've been thinking - you know what we've got to do, don't you? Straight away, the moment we get back to the castle?"
Harry: "Yeah, give Ron a good kick up the-"
Hermione: "Write to Sirius."
"I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?"
"Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry.."
"Wild!" he said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again ... and again ... and again. . ."
"If anybody fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three Diagon Alley -- Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," he said in a loud voice.
"Our new premises!"
"Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they're going to use our products to get rid of this old bat," said George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.
A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."
"Who's Kreacher?"
"The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
"He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"
A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.
By the time Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein, and Terry Boot had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniforms as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze.
"I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Malfoy's mother's face when he gets off the train," said Ernie with satisfaction.
"Goyle's mum'll be really pleased, though," said Ron. "He's loads better looking now."
"I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt, and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair.
"I...must...not...look...like...a...baboon's...backside..."
Malfoy glanced around. Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers. Then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, "You're dead, Potter."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Funny," he said, "you'd think I'd have stopped walking around..."
Draco: "You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments".
"Yeah," said Harry, "but you, unlike me, are a git."
"Don't put your wand there , boy!" roared Moody. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"
"Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly.
"Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" growled Mad-Eye. "Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore...." He stumped off toward the kitchen. "And I saw that," he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.
[talking about Inferi in DADA, when Snape finished telling them a ghost is the imprint of a departed soul but Inferi is not as Potter said that the difference is that one is solid and the other is not...] "When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a look to see if it's solid, aren't we? We're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?'"
Fred, George, Harry, and Ron were the only ones who knew that the angel on top of the tree was actually a garden gnome that had bitten Fred on the ankle as he pulled up carrots for Christmas dinner. Stupefied, painted gold, stuffed into a miniature tutu and with small wings glued to its back, it glowered down at them all, the ugliest angel Harry had ever seen, with a large bald head like a potato and rather hairy feet.
There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced. Hermione acted as though she had not seen or heard anything.
"'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"
"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.
"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.
Non-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed U-No-Poo.
"How d'you spell 'belligerent'?" said Ron, shaking his quill very hard while staring at his parchment. "It can't be B-U-M-"
"No, it isn't," said Hermione, pulling Ron's essay toward her. "And 'augury' doesn't begin O-R-G either. What kind of quill are you using?"
"It's one of Fred and George's Spell-Check ones... but I think the charm must be wearing off..."
"Yes, it must," said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, "because we were asked how we'd deal with dementors, not 'Dugbogs,' and I don't remember you changing your name to 'Roonil Wazlib' either."
"A little way to his left, Ernie Macmillan was contemplating his hoop so hard that his face had turned pink; it looked as if he was straining to lay a Quaffle-sized egg."
"I do," she [Moaning Myrtle] said, with a sulky little shrug, "but that doesn't mean I can't visit other places. I came and saw you in your bath once, remember?"
"Vividly," said Harry.
Dudley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?
Harry: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once --
1st Weasley Twin: Or twice --
2nd Weasley Twin: A minute --
1st Weasley Twin: All summer --
Percy: Oh, shut up!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it)
Dumbledore: ...Hmm, alas, earwax.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
(in the Devil's Snare)
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!
Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Harry: So light a fire!
Hermione: Yes... of course... but there's no wood!
Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: "A Study of Hogwarts' Prefects and Their Later Careers." That sounds fascinating.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Fred: Oh get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry.
George: Yeah, he's off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Why spiders? Why couldn't it be "follow the butterflies"?
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Ron: Can you believe our luck? Of all the trees we could've hit, he had to get one that hits back.
Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets
Draco: Sure you can manage that broom, Potter?
Harry: Yeah, reckon so
Draco: Got plenty of special features, hasn't it? Shame it doesn't come with a parachute-in case you get too near a Dementor. (Crabbe and Goyle sniggered)
Harry: Pity you can't attach an extra arm to yours, Malfoy. Then it could catch the Snitch for you.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron: Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross… (consulting "Unfogging the Future") That means you're going to have 'trials and suffering' -- sorry about that -- but there's a thing that could be a sun… hang on… that means 'great happiness'… so you're going to suffer but be very happy…
Harry: You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me…
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Lupin: Now repeat after me -- without wands please -- repeat after me, Riddikulus.
Class: Riddikulus!
Professor Lupin: And again!
Class: Riddikulus!
Malfoy: This class is ridiculous.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hermione: Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats, you know.
Ron: Yeah, along with the dungbeetle.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: The study of Divination will give you the rare gift of SIGHT! (stands up, and promptly bumps into her table)
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Professor Trelawney: Would anyone like me to help interpret the shadowy realms within their orb?
Ron (whispering to Harry): I don't need help. It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Ron to Pettigrew (with revulsion): I let you sleep in my bed!
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Fred Weasley: Anyone can speak Troll, All you have to do is point and grunt.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Don't talk to me.
Hermione: Why not?
Ron: Because I want to fix that in my memory forever…
Ron (his eyes closed): Draco Malfoy, the amazing bouncing ferret...
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Percy: I shudder to think what the state of my in-tray would be if I was away from work for five days.
Fred: Yeah, someone might slip dragon dung in it again, eh, Perce?
Percy: That was a sample of fertilizer from Norway! It was nothing personal!
Fred (whispering to Harry): It was. We sent it.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Hermione: You seem to be drowning twice.
Ron: Oh, am I? I'd better change one of them to getting trampled by a rampaging Hippogriff.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Ron: Poor old Snuffles. He must really like you, Harry… Imagine having to live off rats.
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
Luna Lovegood: No, I think I'll just go down and have some pudding and wait for it all to turn up... It always does in the end.
Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
Albus Dumbledore: Let us not deprive Molly any longer of the chance to deplore how thin you are.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Peeves: We did it, we bashed them, wee Potter's the one, And Voldy's gone moldy, so now let's have fun!
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Fred: He can run faster than Severus Snape confronted with shampoo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Enid Smeek : She's nutty as squirrel poo.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
Auntie Muriel : You there, give me a chair, I'm a hundred and seven!
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
Hermione: (after Hagrid gives Ron Scabbers back) I think you owe someone an apology.
Ron: Right. Next time I see Crookshanks, I'll let him know.
"I don't know who Maxime thinks she's kidding. If Hagrid's half-giant, she definitely is. Big bones... the only thing that's got bigger bones than her is a dinosaur."
"I don't go looking for trouble. Trouble usually finds me."
"Brilliant! It's Potions last thing on Friday! Snape won't have the time to poison us all!"
"Well, I had one that I was playing Quidditch the other night," said Ron, screwing up his face in an effort to remember. "What do you think that means?"
"Probably that you're going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something," said Harry, turning the pages of The Dream Oracle without interest.
"Harry, don't go picking a row with Malfoy, don't forget, he's a prefect now, he could make life difficult for you..."
"Wow, I wonder what it'd be like to have a difficult life?" said Harry sarcastically.
"How long have you been 'Big D' then?" said Harry.
"Shut it," snarled Dudley, turning away again.
"Cool name," said Harry, grinning, "but you'll always be Ickle Diddykins to me."
"Shut your face."
"You don't tell her [Aunt Petunia] to shut her face. What about 'popkin' and 'Dinky Diddydums,' can I use them then?"
"Why were you lurking under our window?"
"Yes -- yes, good point, Petunia! What were you doing under our windows, boy?"
"Listening to the news," said Harry in a resigned voice.
His aunt and uncle exchanged looks of outrage.
"Listening to the news! Again?"
"Well, it changes every day, you see," said Harry.
"Cut it out," he said firmly, rubbing the scar as the pain receded again. "First sign of madness, talking to your own head," said a sly voice from the empty picture on the wall.
"You know your mother, Malfoy? The expression on her face - like she's got dung under her nose? Is she like that all the time or just because you were with her?"
"She's Ron's sister.
But she's ditched Dean!
She's still Ron's sister.
I'm his best mate!
That'll make it worse.
If I talked to him first-
He'd hit you.
What if I don't care?
He's your best mate!"
"SHE KILLED SIRIUS! SHE KILLED HIM -- I'LL KILL HER!"
"They don't know know we're not allowed to use magic at home. I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer..."
Lee Jordan was finding it difficult not to take sides.
"So-after that obvious and disgusting bit of cheating-"
"Jordan!" growled Professor McGonagall.
"I mean, after that open and revolting foul-"
"Jordan, I'm warning you-"
"All right, all right. Flint nearly kills the Gryffindor Seeker, which could happen to anyone, I'm sure..."
"Sir — Professor Dumbledore? Can I ask you something?"
"Obviously, you’ve just done so," Dumbledore smiled. "You may ask me one more thing, however."
"What do you see when you look in the mirror?"
"I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks."
Harry stared.
"One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books."
"Mr. Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business."
"Mr. Prongs agrees with Mr. Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git."
"Mr. Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor."
"Enjoying it?" said Ron darkly. "I don't reckon he'd come home if Dad didn't make him. He's obsessed. Just don't get him onto the subject of his boss. According to Mr. Crouch...as I was saying to Mr Crouch...Mr. Crouch is of the opinion...Mr. Crouch was telling me...They'll be announcing their engagement any day now."
Ron: "Who're you going with then?"
Fred: "Angelina."
Ron: "What? You've already asked her?"
Fred: "Good point. Oi, Angelina! Want to come to the ball with me?"
Hermione: "Harry, I've been thinking - you know what we've got to do, don't you? Straight away, the moment we get back to the castle?"
Harry: "Yeah, give Ron a good kick up the-"
Hermione: "Write to Sirius."
"I've got two Neptunes here," said Harry after a while, frowning down at his piece of parchment, "that can't be right, can it?"
"Aaaaah," said Ron, imitating Professor Trelawney's mystical whisper, "when two Neptunes appear in the sky, it is a sure sign that a midget in glasses is being born, Harry.."
"Wild!" he said, twiddling the replay knob on the side. I can make that old bloke down there pick his nose again ... and again ... and again. . ."
"If anybody fancies buying a Portable Swamp, as demonstrated upstairs, come to number ninety-three Diagon Alley -- Weasley's Wizard Wheezes," he said in a loud voice.
"Our new premises!"
"Special discounts to Hogwarts students who swear they're going to use our products to get rid of this old bat," said George, pointing at Professor Umbridge.
A week after Fred and George's departure, Harry witnessed Professor McGonagall walking right past Peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, "It unscrews the other way."
"Who's Kreacher?"
"The house-elf who lives here," said Ron. "Nutter. Never met one like him."
"He is not a nutter," said Hermione.
"His life's ambition is to have his head cut off and stuck up on a plaque like his mother," said Ron. "Is that normal, Hermione?"
A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person can't feel all that at once, they'd explode."
"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.
By the time Ernie MacMillan, Hannah Abbott, Susan Bones, Justin Finch-Fletchley, Anthony Goldstein, and Terry Boot had finished using a wide variety of the hexes and jinxes Harry had taught them, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle resembled nothing so much as three gigantic slugs squeezed into Hogwarts uniforms as Harry, Ernie and Justin hoisted them into the luggage rack and left them there to ooze.
"I must say, I'm looking forward to seeing Malfoy's mother's face when he gets off the train," said Ernie with satisfaction.
"Goyle's mum'll be really pleased, though," said Ron. "He's loads better looking now."
"I'll make Goyle do lines, it'll kill him, he hates writing," said Ron happily. He lowered his voice to Goyle's low grunt, and, screwing up his face in a look of pained concentration, mimed writing in midair.
"I...must...not...look...like...a...baboon's...backside..."
Malfoy glanced around. Harry knew he was checking for signs of teachers. Then he looked back at Harry and said in a low voice, "You're dead, Potter."
Harry raised his eyebrows. "Funny," he said, "you'd think I'd have stopped walking around..."
Draco: "You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments".
"Yeah," said Harry, "but you, unlike me, are a git."
"Don't put your wand there , boy!" roared Moody. "What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!"
"Who d'you know who's lost a buttock?" the violet-haired woman asked Mad-Eye interestedly.
"Never you mind, you just keep your wand out of your back pocket!" growled Mad-Eye. "Elementary wand safety, nobody bothers about it anymore...." He stumped off toward the kitchen. "And I saw that," he added irritably, as the woman rolled her eyes at the ceiling.
[talking about Inferi in DADA, when Snape finished telling them a ghost is the imprint of a departed soul but Inferi is not as Potter said that the difference is that one is solid and the other is not...] "When we come face-to-face with one down a dark alley, we're going to be having a look to see if it's solid, aren't we? We're not going to be asking, 'Excuse me, are you the imprint of a departed soul?'"
Fred, George, Harry, and Ron were the only ones who knew that the angel on top of the tree was actually a garden gnome that had bitten Fred on the ankle as he pulled up carrots for Christmas dinner. Stupefied, painted gold, stuffed into a miniature tutu and with small wings glued to its back, it glowered down at them all, the ugliest angel Harry had ever seen, with a large bald head like a potato and rather hairy feet.
There was a noise like a plunger being withdrawn from a blocked sink and Ron surfaced. Hermione acted as though she had not seen or heard anything.
"'Harry Potter knows that he can confide in me with complete confidence,' I told them. 'I would rather die than betray his trust.'"
"That's not saying much, seeing as you're already dead," Ron observed.
"Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe," said Nearly Headless Nick in affronted tones.
Non-verbal spells were now expected, not only in Defence Against the Dark Arts, but in Charms and Transfiguration too. Harry frequently looked over at his classmates in the common room or at mealtimes to see them purple in the face and straining as though they had overdosed U-No-Poo.
"How d'you spell 'belligerent'?" said Ron, shaking his quill very hard while staring at his parchment. "It can't be B-U-M-"
"No, it isn't," said Hermione, pulling Ron's essay toward her. "And 'augury' doesn't begin O-R-G either. What kind of quill are you using?"
"It's one of Fred and George's Spell-Check ones... but I think the charm must be wearing off..."
"Yes, it must," said Hermione, pointing at the title of his essay, "because we were asked how we'd deal with dementors, not 'Dugbogs,' and I don't remember you changing your name to 'Roonil Wazlib' either."
"A little way to his left, Ernie Macmillan was contemplating his hoop so hard that his face had turned pink; it looked as if he was straining to lay a Quaffle-sized egg."
"I do," she [Moaning Myrtle] said, with a sulky little shrug, "but that doesn't mean I can't visit other places. I came and saw you in your bath once, remember?"
"Vividly," said Harry.
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