Intelligent(?) quotes
"Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
"I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"Half this game is ninety percent mental." -- Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
"It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Al Gore, Vice President
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle
" It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" -- George Bush, US President
"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version," -- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
"The word ’genius’ isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein," -- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
"We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
"If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- Bill Clinton, President
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Al Gore, VP
"Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas." -- Keppel Enderbery
"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." -- Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record." -- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Monday, November 22, 2010
A true story...
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995 (in Tampa Bay, FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
News Blunders
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.
"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news
"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
"Youth Hit By Train Is Rushed To Two Hospitals" - Headline in a local paper.
"The bodies could not be identified because they were found face down." - A reporter, reporting on a story of the discovery of two bodies under a bridge in rural Missouri.
"Golfing Immortal Dies Aged 69" - A headline in a New Zealand paper
"Doctors say the longer the babies live, the better chance they’ll have at surviving." - From a local news cast.
"If England are going to win this match, they’re going to have to score a goal." - Sports Announcing, BBC1
"Holy Mother Crushes Sacred Infant" - Headline in a Catholic newspaper, referring to a basketball game between two Catholic High Schools.
"The glamorous 17-year-old wants to be a policewoman some day, like her dad." - From a New Zealand paper.
"As Phil De Glanville said, each game is unique, and this one is no different than any other." - Channel 4 news
"Man Died of Natural Causes" - Headline, Wirral News Group, October 25, 2000
"However, things are not always as simple as they seem. Is all this precipitation being monitored? And if it is, why? And if why, then by whom? To all these questions, the answer is yes." - From a New Zealand paper.
"Tortoises Held Hostage As Lobster War Turns Nasty" - Headline, Independent, November 19, 2000
"The driver involved in this incident asked that her gender not be revealed." - From a Sydney, Australia, paper.
How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
1) "The light bulb doesn't need changing, it's the system that needs to change."
2) None. Social workers never change anything.
3) None. They empower it to change itself!
4) None. The light bulb is not burnt out, it's just differently lit.
5) None. They set up a team to write a paper on coping with darkness.
6) Two. One to change the bulb and another to put your kids into care.
7) Five. One to screw it in, three to form the support group, and one to help with placement.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Question and answer animal jokes
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To show the armadillo that it was possible.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road twice?
A: Because it was a double-crosser.
Q: Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
A: To take over the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach?
A: To get to the other tide.
Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Court Cases ...
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
---
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
THE FOLLOWING ARE ACTUAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT
CASES:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
---
From a defendant representing himself...
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
---
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens.
Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
---
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth too.
---
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
---
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
---
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
"Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don’t think God would
get mad.
Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot.
And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore."
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow his ass away."
Hospital Charts
Actual writings on hospital charts:
- she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Actual writings on hospital charts:
- she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
- On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
- The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
- The patient refused autopsy.
- The patient has no previous history of suicides.
- Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
- She is numb from her toes down.
- The skin was moist and dry.
- Patient was alert and unresponsive.
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
- Skin: somewhat pale but present.
- The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
- Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Actual Warning Labels
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover." -- On a pair of shin guards made for bicyclists.
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks." -- On a fireplace lighter.
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms." -- On a Holmes bathroom heater.
"May irritate eyes." -- On a can of self-defense pepper spray.
"Do not use orally." -- On a toilet bowl cleaning brush.
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less." -- On a birthday card for a 1 year old.
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death." -- A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
"Warning: has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice." -- On a box of rat poison.
"For a limited time only." -- From a Rally’s commercial that described how their burgers were fresh.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Funny Movie Facts
Some things you would never know without the movies:
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
Funny Movie Facts
Some things you would never know without the movies:
- Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
- A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
- No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
- Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it’s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
A great writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Loud, mad, or sad
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
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