These are actual excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by Nisheeth Parekh, University Texas Medical Branch @ Galveston...
My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan.
28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words were crossed out in the ( )’s]
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired.
She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Spelling
During the National Spelling Bee recently in the nation’s capital, Islamic spectators became outraged upon discovering that the USA was embedded in the middle of Jerusalem, Israel’s holiest city. The revelation was made by Douglas Levin, an eighth grader at the Joseph Lieberman Day School in Rockville Center, MD. When young Levin was asked to spell the word Jerusalem, he replied, "J E R- USA - L E M."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.
"It’s a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.
Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no ’A-N-U-S’ in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
An audible gasp sounded from Muslim onlookers, who realized, for the first time, a USA presence in the holy city. Muslim parents immediately protested the spelling contest, citing American bias toward Israel.
"It’s a clear violation of church and state," said Mohammed Ahlee, lobbyist for the Arab group Holy Shiite.
Bee officials quickly denied any wrongdoing, asserting that the Muslims were merely disgruntled because Rajeed Raheed, a seventh grader from Al Kaydah Junior High, had been eliminated earlier for misspelling Afghanistan as Afghanustan.
"There is no ’A-N-U-S’ in the middle of Afghanistan," said one bee official, "unless you believe bin Laden is still hiding there."
Friday, August 20, 2010
A farmer was driving a truck with his dog, deer and horse down a deserted, straight mountain road. Suddenly, he encountered a sharp curve and was unable to react fast, and thus he knocked onto the mountain wall, sending all of the animals and himself flying out. He landed fifty metres away from the crash site. Soon, a police man drove by and saw the crash. He examined the destroyed car first, then the dog, which he found out that it suffered from two broken legs. The police man shook his head sadly and shot the dog. Next, he came to the deer, which apparently had its spine broken. Again, the police man shook his head in grief and shot the deer. After that, he observed the last animal, the horse, which had all four limbs and its neck broken. The horse, witnessing the fate of the previous two animals, whined softly before the police man ended it's suffering with a bullet. Finally, the police man came to the farmer and asked him how he felt and apologised for killing his animals. The farmer, upon seeing the police man, scrawled up quickly and patted his chest, "I've never felt so good before."
Monday, August 16, 2010
Doctor Quotes
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
- On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely
- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
- The patient refused an autopsy
- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital
- Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days
- Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch
- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night
- She is numb from her toes down
- Patient was alert and unresponsive
- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce
- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy
- The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead
- Patient has two teenage children but no other abnormalities
- Skin: Somewhat pale but present
- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart stopped, and he was feeling better
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who in the heck could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal, and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?" The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two filed for welfare, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President."
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
How woman think
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
2月30日 星期一 晴-
今天一天都没有出太阳，真不好，爸爸买回两条金鱼，养在水缸淹死一条，我很伤心。-
老师评语：我也很伤心，我活了这么大，2月还从来没有遇上过一个30号呢！也从来没有见过不出太阳的晴天，更没见过会淹死的金鱼。-
１.题目：一边……一边……-
小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。-
老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？-
２.题目：其中-
小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。-
老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？-
３.题目：陆陆续续-
小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。-
老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？-
４.题目：难过-
小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。-
老师批语：老师更难过。-
５.题目：又……又……-
小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。-
老师批语；你的妈妈是变形金钢吗？-
６.题目：你看-
小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊-
老师批语：没看过-
7.题目：欣欣向荣-
小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。-
老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！-
８.题目：好吃-
小朋友写：好吃个屁。-
老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。-
９.题目：天真-
小朋友写：今天真热。-
老师批语：你真天真。-
10.题目：果然-
小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。-
老师批语：是词-
11.题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。-
小朋友写：先生，再见！-
老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。-
12.题目：况且-
小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况-
老师批语：我死了算了
今天一天都没有出太阳，真不好，爸爸买回两条金鱼，养在水缸淹死一条，我很伤心。-
老师评语：我也很伤心，我活了这么大，2月还从来没有遇上过一个30号呢！也从来没有见过不出太阳的晴天，更没见过会淹死的金鱼。-
１.题目：一边……一边……-
小朋友写：他一边脱衣服，一边穿裤子。-
老师批语：他到底是要脱还是要穿啊？-
２.题目：其中-
小朋友写：我的其中一只左脚受伤了。-
老师批语：你是蜈蚣吗？-
３.题目：陆陆续续-
小朋友写：下班了，爸爸陆陆续续的回家了。-
老师批语：你到底有几个爸爸呀？-
４.题目：难过-
小朋友写：我家门前有条水沟很难过。-
老师批语：老师更难过。-
５.题目：又……又……-
小朋友写：我的妈妈又矮又高又胖又瘦。-
老师批语；你的妈妈是变形金钢吗？-
６.题目：你看-
小朋友写：你看什么看！没看过啊-
老师批语：没看过-
7.题目：欣欣向荣-
小朋友写：欣欣向荣荣告白。-
老师批语：连续剧不要看太多了！-
８.题目：好吃-
小朋友写：好吃个屁。-
老师批语：有些东西是不能吃的。-
９.题目：天真-
小朋友写：今天真热。-
老师批语：你真天真。-
10.题目：果然-
小朋友写：昨天我吃水果，然后喝凉水。-
老师批语：是词-
11.题目：先……再……，例题：先吃饭，再冼澡。-
小朋友写：先生，再见！-
老师批语：想像力超过了地球人的智慧。-
12.题目：况且-
小朋友写：一列火车经过，况且况且况且况且况且况-
老师批语：我死了算了
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