Diary of a GCE Invigilator

Diary of a Teacher / 200x English Language O Level Oral Exam Invigilator

Day 1:

I was sent to a private school this time. It was the first time that the school was being used as an exam centre and boy did it show. The head had no idea what was going on and was almost having a panic attack.

It was shocking conducting the exam there because the students were really… out of this world. They were mostly foreign students and they came with neon pink nails, long hair, heavily lined eyes and I’m talking about the boys.

ANYWAY, the exam was really bad. The kids had no structure and probably no idea what was expected of them. I don’t think their school prepared them very well at all.

• Question: Is society responsible for creating selfish people?

1. Yes. All work and no play makes Jack a dill boy. Society is all work, and it is not easy to mix with colleges and pursuit your boss.

2. I think it’s important to be kind and friendly cos like you know, the girls would like you. Cos like maybe even Paris Hilton would like you if you were a polite guy, you know?

• Me: Tell me about your favourite toy when you were young.

1. Student: Oh, I like beer.
Me: Beer? We’re asking you about your favourite toy.
Student: Yes, beer. I love beer. So furry, the beer.
Me: !?!?!?!
Student: You know, the beer, the teddy beer.

2. Oh, my favourite toy is the carrot car.
(I didn’t know what the carrot car was. We tried asking him but he just kept saying carrot car and ‘because is nice to play’ so I still don’t know what carrot car is.)

3. I have many toes at home. I can’t choose my favourite toe! I think if I have to choose, it will be the toe my mother gave me.

• Picture Conversation

1. I think the girl has some problem opening the present properperly because the present is properperly buckerly. (probably bulky)

2. The two boys look alike. But that’s because all Chinese look alike. (Coming from a PRC chap…)

3. Oh I can safely say that this picture was taken at a pretoddler school.

4. In the maximum right of the picture I can see… (and student went on to cover the maximum left, bottom and top of the picture too)

• Passage Reading

‘The school where Mrs Lim and Mrs Dharma work has started a new campaign’
One kid read: The school where Mrs Lim and Mrs Dharma work has started a nude campaign.

• Question: Is it important to maintain a healthy lifestyle?

1. I try to eat a healthy rage of food.

2. I eat, without lefting any vegetables.

3. If we don’t eat balanced meals, our birdies will become very weak.

4. There is panties of time for me to improve my lifestyle, I don’t need to start now.

5. I am joy vegetables and fruits.

6. We can drink more water butter water from the water butter.

• Question: What can we do to help the less fortunate?

1. The poo people cannot buy food because they are poo and so we can help by giving them some money so they won’t be so poo.

2. For example, Breadtalk give their leftover bread to the elderly in the orphanage.

3. In some world, education is good. In some world, it is jungle. They are not fortunate like us in some world, is building.

4. We can sign up in countries that have naturally disasters.

• Question: What is your favourite dish?

1. I like laksa only in Malaysia because Malaysia laksa has more material inside.

2. Singapore food is really bad. Only China food is good. (when asked what was the difference) Oh, different is because in China we eat rice, vegetables and meat.

3. (background: my co-examiner was an indian lady) Oh I like many food.
I like chinese chicken rice *looks at me*
and indian rojak *looks at co-examiner*
because both *looks at both of us* are very nice.
Chinese chicken rice *looks at me* is delicious
and indian rojak *looks at co-examiner* is marvellous.

4. And then there was the kid who dramatically did a *head-desk* after every section or question.

Day 2:

• Question: What do you think of the weather in Singapore ?(DUH!?!!?!?!?!?!?!)

1. It is hot, it is cold. Then it is cold and it is hot.

2. It is sometimes rain so I have to shaking my bag to shake if I have my umbrella.

3. Singapore is a chopical country and there is sometimes heavy rain and flucking.

4. I don’t like weather in Singapore . Make my nose stucking and I cannot breathe. China is better. (I was this close to yelling GO HOME!! HUI JIA!! BALIK KAMPONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO HOME TO YOUR RICE WITH MEAT AND VEGETABLES!!!)

5. After a hot holiday, a cold holiday will come.

6. I like Singapore because we can breathly freshly.

7. I like breeze in Singapore because I like to get blown.

• Question: Tell me about a time you were caught in a dangerous situation because of the weather.

1. Sometimes the wind is so strong, the umbrella will fly me away.

2. Student: Once, it was raining heavily and my bus was stuck in a f**k.
Me: Flood.
Student: Yes, f**k. The f**k took very long to go away.
Me: How long were you stuck in the FLOOD?
Student: We were in the f**k for about 3 hours until someone rescued us from the f**k. We sat on a boat and rowed away in the f**k.

3. There are parts in Singapore with no sunlight and it is SHROUDED (said very loudly) in darrrrrknesssss.

• Question: How important are environmental issues to you?

1. Very important as carbon dioxide is needed for trees.

2. It’s important so that we can have a picnic on the bitch.

• Question: What can young people do to persuade governments to take care of the environment for future generations?

And then we had a PRC girl who read like Darth Vader. In French. I really had NO IDEA what she was talking about.

• Picture Conversation

The picture section was of a bus stuck in a flood with people helping to push it. When asked what he thought the bus driver might be thinking about:

Student: Nothing.
Me: Well, I’m sure he’s thinking of something because he has a very serious expression on his face. Would you like to try to guess what he is thinking about?
Student: Nothing. Because if he can think, he won’t be a bus driver.

Dogs and Light Bulbs

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

The chicken and the road
Why did the chicken cross the road?:

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don’t know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

http://www.hoax-slayer.com/facebook-overpopulated-hoax.shtml

WWIII

President George Bush and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender,"Isn’t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep, that’s them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?" Bush says, "We’re planning WW III," and the guy says, "Really? What’s going to happen?" Bush says, "Well, we’re going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."
A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis."

Management and the CRAP Program Dear Staff, Due to the current financial situation caused by the worldwide slowdown of economies, since the late 2008, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 30 plus years of age on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retiring Appropriate People Early). People selected for RAPE can also apply to management for eligibility in SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). People who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme (Systematic Coursing Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate. People who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously people who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management. People staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives to its employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please apply for CRAP (Corporate Rescue - Advanced Program). Our Management has been trained to give you all the CRAP you may require to excel. Yours Sincerely, The Management

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?"

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

You have two cows...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A HINDU CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You worship them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

Chemist's last words

1) And now the tasting test ...
2) And now shake it a bit ...
3) In which glass was my mineral water?
4) Why does that stuff burn with a green flame?!?
5) And now the detonating gas problem.
6) This is a completely safe experimental setup.
7) Now you can take the protection window away ...
8) Where do all those holes in my kettle come from?
9) And now a cigarette ...

Australian Tourism Website
The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay night-clubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first