Vatican debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe’s Latin wasn’t very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here." "And then?" asked a woman. "I don’t know," said Moishe. "He took out his lunch and I took out mine."
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Actual reasons for divorce
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."
A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend’s house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."
A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There’ll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o’clock on Channel 2."
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend’s house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
Thursday, November 25, 2010
| Work-dictionary What you say to your boss and what it really means: You say: Perhaps I can work late. It means: When the fuck do you expect me to do this? You say: I’m certain that is not feasible. It means: No fucking way! You Say: Really? It means: You’ve got to be shitting me. You say: Perhaps you should check with... It means: Tell someone who gives a shit. You say: Of course I’m concerned. It means: Ask me if I give a shit. You say: I wasn’t involved in the project. it means: It’s not my fucking problem. You say: I’m not sure I can implement this. It means: Fuck it, it won’t work. You say: I’ll try to schedule that. It means: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner? You say: Are you sure this is a problem? It means: Who the fuck cares? You say: He’s not familiar with the problem. It means: He’s got his head up his ass. You say: So you weren’t happy with it? It means: Kiss my ass. You say: I don’t think you understand. It means: Shove it up your ass. You say: I love a challenge. It means: This job sucks. You say: You want me to take care of that? It means: Who the hell died and made you boss? You say: Yes, we really should discuss it. It means: Another fucking meeting? You say: I don’t think this will be a problem. It means: I really don’t give a shit. |
Feline Physics Laws
- Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
- Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
- Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
- Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
- First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
- Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
- Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
- Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
- Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
- Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
- Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
- Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
- Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
- Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
- Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
- Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
- Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.
- Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
- Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
- Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
- First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
- Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
- Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
- Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.
- Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
- Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
- Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.
- Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.
- Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
- Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
- Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
- Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
- Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
- Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
| Things we know because of TV Things we know because of TV! - If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. - If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade...at any time of the year. - All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread. - The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. - Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. - A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a pretty nurse cleans his wounds. - When paying for a taxi, never look at your money. Just pull out a bill or two and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. - If a killer is lurking in your house, it’s easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath even if it’s the middle of the afternoon. - All single women have a cat. - Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. - It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one. - When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. - Dogs always know who’s bad and will naturally bark at them. - No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. - If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. - All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off. - It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. - Revolvers will fire at least ten or fifteen times without reloading. - If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps and join in with you. |
A burglar is in big trouble
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
(Another version of the story)
A burglar enters an empty house and ransacked the place. Suddenly, he heard a mysterious, rather high-pitched voice saying "Jesus is looking at you."
Surprised, he looked around but didn't see anyone, so he continued on to his business.
After a while, the voice repeated, "Jesus is looking at you."
His head jerked up instantly. The voice repeated the same thing again.
He searches the room for any sign of a human again. This time, he spotted a parrot sitting in its cage in the corner of the room.
"Who are you to speak of me?" The burglar asked the parrot, rather intimated.
The parrot replies, "I am Moses."
"What kind of people would name their parrots Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name their pit bull Jesus," The parrot replied calmly.
Rules of the lab
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
1) If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
2) When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
3) Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way each time.
4) First draw your curves, then plot your data.
5) Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
6) Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
7) To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8) If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
9) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
10) Do not believe in miracles--rely on them.
11) Team work is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
12) All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
13) No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example.
14) Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Learn chinese in 5 minutes
Dildo - Fun Toi
Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau
Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau
I absolutely agree! - No Daut
Jesus Child - Ho Li Boi
Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh
Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun
Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi
Go for a ride for free - Hit Hai King
I think our friend is homo - He Gai
Your price is too high - Ai No Bai Dam Ting
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Hey, I think we have a serious problem here! - Sum Ting Wong
Having an early orgasm - Kum Tu Suun
Saying the same thing several times - Ri Pi Ting
Are You horny? - Yu Har Dik
You´re just so stupid - Fak Ju
I just get drunk so easy - On Li Tu
Oh, You´ve been smoking as well? - Ju Tu Hai
I´ve got something in my eye - Aut Mai Ai
You explained that before, but finally I understand - Ai See Nau
Listen baby, isn´t that a pretty and romantic sky tonight? - Mun So Brait
Let´s get outta here and that fast as hell! - Fa Kin Run
Oh, just look at that Ferrari! - Big Boi Toi
I´m just so horny - Ma Dik Big
As I said before, Microsoft sucks! - Fa Kin Kom Pu Da
I told You that´s he´s extremely ticklish! - Jum Pin Hai
Hey buddy, I know it´s winter, but not THAT cold to pee outdoor - Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee
Ok listen, this got to look like an accident - Hit Mai Ai
He’s cleaning his automobile - He Wa Shing Ka
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
It’s very dark in here - Wai So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting
I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching
Your body odor is so offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
I didn´t know that You knew the lyrics to The Macarena - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
Phew, this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung
See me as soon as possible - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
Dildo - Fun Toi
Ex-wife - Fa Kin Sau
Where´s the restroom? - Ai Pe Nau
I absolutely agree! - No Daut
Jesus Child - Ho Li Boi
Dogshit under my shoe - Stin Kin Puh
Stop teasing me! - Tat Nut Fun
Annoying kid - Hit Tat Boi
Cough up some dough! - Pei Nau
Go for a ride for free - Hit Hai King
I think our friend is homo - He Gai
Your price is too high - Ai No Bai Dam Ting
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Hey, I think we have a serious problem here! - Sum Ting Wong
Having an early orgasm - Kum Tu Suun
Saying the same thing several times - Ri Pi Ting
Are You horny? - Yu Har Dik
You´re just so stupid - Fak Ju
I just get drunk so easy - On Li Tu
Oh, You´ve been smoking as well? - Ju Tu Hai
I´ve got something in my eye - Aut Mai Ai
You explained that before, but finally I understand - Ai See Nau
Listen baby, isn´t that a pretty and romantic sky tonight? - Mun So Brait
Let´s get outta here and that fast as hell! - Fa Kin Run
Oh, just look at that Ferrari! - Big Boi Toi
I´m just so horny - Ma Dik Big
As I said before, Microsoft sucks! - Fa Kin Kom Pu Da
I told You that´s he´s extremely ticklish! - Jum Pin Hai
Hey buddy, I know it´s winter, but not THAT cold to pee outdoor - Wai Ju Ding So Tai Nee
Ok listen, this got to look like an accident - Hit Mai Ai
He’s cleaning his automobile - He Wa Shing Ka
This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan
It’s very dark in here - Wai So Dim
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting
I thought you were on a diet? - Wai Yu Mun Ching
Your body odor is so offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
I didn´t know that You knew the lyrics to The Macarena - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
Phew, this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me as soon as possible - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Fuk
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift - Chin Tu Fat
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo
Great - Fa Kin Su Pah
(If you don't understand try pronouncing each Chinese(???) word in Han Yu Pin Yin)
Reastaurant Blunders
- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.
- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.
- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"
- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"
- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.
- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.
- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.
- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.
Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".
Customer: "What’s the difference?"
- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"
- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.
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